My Equilibrium

Obviously, it took me a while to write up the second piece for my blog. I actually started working on it right after my first posting. Many thoughts and feelings I was experiencing since I moved to Japan, that I wanted to put into writing. But once I started, I got lost. For me, this kind of reflective writing is not something I can easily do. I need a right state of mind to do so. And it did not happen until – well, today.

After very intensive “first 100 days”, after coming back from the short holidays in Hawai’i, the life has not become any easier for me. It is not all about my work. Rather, I’ve been struggling with finding the way to balance myself in this new environment. Of course it takes some time, but from my own experience I thought I was quite good at finding it. But this time, I am not so sure about that.

So far, my everyday experience has been way too overwhelming and I am just too busy catching up with them, but not being able to digest them enough. I come home exhausted and frustrated. I have been trying to have some quality time outside of my work, anything that usually pleases me and gives me energies – eating and drinking out with friends, exploring new spots in Tokyo, cleaning and re-decorating my apartment, cooking at home, listening to my favorite music, etc, etc. It works at some points, but not fundamentally. I found I have not yet being able to find a “comfortable place” for myself since I moved back here.

Along with taking up a new position in the organization, moving back to Japan itself was a huge decision for me. As funny as it may sound, the lifestyle in Japan, especially in Tokyo, was something I never felt accustomed to. I spent most of my adult life outside of the country where I enjoyed being free from the norm and value of Japanese society that I do not feel comfortable with. Living in Tokyo and working with a Japanese organization mean that I have to deal with these values and norms, and find the way to fit in without compromising myself too much and feeling too “contained”.  This is something I have been struggling with.

I wish I could naturally blend into my “home” country.  The other thing I have been struggling with is the concept of “home” when it is automatically associated with the place or the family where you were born and grew up.  Yes, I do have a strong emotional attachment to the place I spent my childhood, and of course to my family, but being there or being with them do not ensure me the sense of belonging. Rather, I often felt alienated from who I am when I were around “home”.

I realized especially in the past months in Tokyo that in order for me to be “well-balanced”, I need to feel the connection with an outer world. The important thing is my “feeling” rather than my actual whereabouts. I need to feel some free space in my mind and the fresh, open air around me. In this sense, my friends in different parts of the world are helping me a great deal to keep this feeling of connection, by sharing their updates and letting me sort of re-live their adventures. Without the stimulus they bring, I would definitely feel more stuck.  

In the past weeks, I developed a new habit of doing some reflection while walking to the office every morning. It is about 25 minute walk, and I found it the best opportunity to have a conversation with myself. It was the time when I managed to gather my random, incoherent thoughts and emotions into words, which partly led to this piece.

At the same time, this morning walk made me re-discover Tokyo and its own beauties – old houses and small shops in my neighborhood, pretty flowers and trees on the roadside, and changes of the seasons I could feel from the air and light. It is the time I could open my senses to appreciate the view, sounds and smell of my surroundings. It is not yet a clear picture at all, but I had a glimpse of myself connecting with this environment someway somehow.

I hope I could soon find my equilibrium - the way to anchor myself while keeping a free space for my spirit.

My First 100 Days at Work

I knew very well where I was going back after APLP Fall Semester. I had a position already prepared for me in the organization I had been working for almost 7 years. Yet this time was not a simple “going back” - my former colleagues were waiting for me to be their new “boss” who was expected to bring a change to their stagnant situation.

I was well aware and informed of all the problems we had faced for the past years, the challenges I had to tackle once I go back. But I was still not so clear about “how” part. I was having very interesting learning experiences in APLP, but it was not something I had expected earlier, that is, to gain some practical skills I could apply for my new work.

“The first 100 days are very important” – this is what Keith Coats told me during our individual consultation.  It had not occurred to me till he mentioned, although I surely heard about it before. I found it interesting that the period wholly coincides with that of APLP Spring Semester. Together with a few practical management tips Keith generously provided me then, my work plan for Spring Semester, my first 100 days at work, began to form the clearer shape in my brain. 

“The first 100 days” became my mantra: I started to mentally prepare myself to make a full commitment to carry out whatever necessary. I told myself repeatedly that I had to keep my focus during this period of time, probably more than ever; that my every single action would have a significant consequence to my team and myself, as this was the biggest responsibilities I accepted in my career life.

So, how it went? It had been VERY intensive; looking back, I feel like I had been running without taking breaths. Some of my plans went well, some worked even better, but some did not go as I expected. There were many ups and downs. But overall, I survived, and I think I made a good introduction to the organization. At this point, I believe that being aware of the significance of “the first 100 days” was actually the best preparations for me to face challenges as a new leader. For that reason, I am truly grateful for Keith.

I also think about the other thing I gained from my APLP experience – it was strengths and positive energies I had gained then that enabled me to keep my spirits high and share them with my team, even at the tough moments. I honestly don’t think I would have handled the situation better if I took my current position right after the previous one. I also wonder whether only knowledge and practical skills would have been enough for me to make it through.

When I landed in Hawai’i to attend the graduation ceremony in May, I realized how exhausted I was both mentally and physically. Luckily, the fresh air and sunshine in Hawai’i, and positive energies of fellow APLPers healed me, gave me strengths, and brought my focus back to move forward. The first 100 days was just an introduction to my “leadership in practice”. I know I still have a long way to go.

June in Japan

During the month of May, Nam shared her reflections on her experiences during the Asia Pacific Leadership Programme in Hawai'i as well as how she feels some of the changed attitudes now help her in her new work as the wealth management advisor in Thailand.

We move to Tokyo during the month of June where we will meet up with Mami Sato.
 

With an academic background in public and international affairs and gender studies, Mami Sato is currently heading the Japanese NGO - SHARE (Services for the health in Asian and African Regions), after managing SHARE Cambodia for several years.