My Equilibrium

Obviously, it took me a while to write up the second piece for my blog. I actually started working on it right after my first posting. Many thoughts and feelings I was experiencing since I moved to Japan, that I wanted to put into writing. But once I started, I got lost. For me, this kind of reflective writing is not something I can easily do. I need a right state of mind to do so. And it did not happen until – well, today.

After very intensive “first 100 days”, after coming back from the short holidays in Hawai’i, the life has not become any easier for me. It is not all about my work. Rather, I’ve been struggling with finding the way to balance myself in this new environment. Of course it takes some time, but from my own experience I thought I was quite good at finding it. But this time, I am not so sure about that.

So far, my everyday experience has been way too overwhelming and I am just too busy catching up with them, but not being able to digest them enough. I come home exhausted and frustrated. I have been trying to have some quality time outside of my work, anything that usually pleases me and gives me energies – eating and drinking out with friends, exploring new spots in Tokyo, cleaning and re-decorating my apartment, cooking at home, listening to my favorite music, etc, etc. It works at some points, but not fundamentally. I found I have not yet being able to find a “comfortable place” for myself since I moved back here.

Along with taking up a new position in the organization, moving back to Japan itself was a huge decision for me. As funny as it may sound, the lifestyle in Japan, especially in Tokyo, was something I never felt accustomed to. I spent most of my adult life outside of the country where I enjoyed being free from the norm and value of Japanese society that I do not feel comfortable with. Living in Tokyo and working with a Japanese organization mean that I have to deal with these values and norms, and find the way to fit in without compromising myself too much and feeling too “contained”.  This is something I have been struggling with.

I wish I could naturally blend into my “home” country.  The other thing I have been struggling with is the concept of “home” when it is automatically associated with the place or the family where you were born and grew up.  Yes, I do have a strong emotional attachment to the place I spent my childhood, and of course to my family, but being there or being with them do not ensure me the sense of belonging. Rather, I often felt alienated from who I am when I were around “home”.

I realized especially in the past months in Tokyo that in order for me to be “well-balanced”, I need to feel the connection with an outer world. The important thing is my “feeling” rather than my actual whereabouts. I need to feel some free space in my mind and the fresh, open air around me. In this sense, my friends in different parts of the world are helping me a great deal to keep this feeling of connection, by sharing their updates and letting me sort of re-live their adventures. Without the stimulus they bring, I would definitely feel more stuck.  

In the past weeks, I developed a new habit of doing some reflection while walking to the office every morning. It is about 25 minute walk, and I found it the best opportunity to have a conversation with myself. It was the time when I managed to gather my random, incoherent thoughts and emotions into words, which partly led to this piece.

At the same time, this morning walk made me re-discover Tokyo and its own beauties – old houses and small shops in my neighborhood, pretty flowers and trees on the roadside, and changes of the seasons I could feel from the air and light. It is the time I could open my senses to appreciate the view, sounds and smell of my surroundings. It is not yet a clear picture at all, but I had a glimpse of myself connecting with this environment someway somehow.

I hope I could soon find my equilibrium - the way to anchor myself while keeping a free space for my spirit.